Ever since I have survived my near death Pneumonia I have been thinking about how I been thinking, how I been living my life in general. That is when it hit me, I want that special someone. The strange thing is it isn't the sex I am lusting for. I been fantasizing of just being affectionate with her. I been dreaming of cuddling while reading a book, watching TV Dancing (not grinding real ballroom type) and just goofing around having fun with the family.
I want to find someone who is a piece of me. Someone who (Jerry McGuire moment) completes me. Sex really isn't what I am after. I witnessed how fake shamans and gurus use their rituals and speeches to scam sex saying it freeing or helps reach god. I say sex only reaches god when both parties are dedicated to each other till death do they part and only when they have a strong bond with each other. Sex any other way kills you little by little on the inside.
My main issue is the fact that I am very impatient. I want the love so fast that I rush and I end up failing. I am working on it but I am still impulsive.
Almost dying opened my eyes to me seeing what is real and what is fake. I am ready for her to come into my life but I will not actively search for her. I want her to come into my life organically, and I want to be perfect for myself. I will welcome it when it comes.